80 - I Will Survive

<AUTHOR'S NOTE>

Sorry again for disappearing like that. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!

<END AUTHOR'S NOTE>

I don’t know how to respond to that. Whatever words I had in mind before die on my tongue. This is exactly what I hoped for, but now that it’s here, I feel almost afraid. I’ve been searching for these answers for… I don’t know how long, but what if it’s an answer I don’t like? 

I’ve considered almost everything. I made a foolish wish. I was a great enough villain that I was cursed with this. I challenged a deity, and this was my punishment. It was an accident, and I ate some legendary Fruit of Immortality or something in my first life. This is all a long, painful dream. I’m in a simulation. I am a deity who wanted to experience human suffering. 

“I’m not as good as Sam, but this should be good enough.”

The Phoenix waves her hand, and an oum construct appears standing beside her. It looks quite similar to the Phoenix herself, but is clearly only a relative and not another version of her. She has the same red hair and green eyes, the same slender figure, the same casual confidence, but in her expression, I see something different. It’s a distant look, but still focused. Like she’s looking at something that I can’t see. And I don’t think that expression is just because she’s an inanimate construct. It seems intentional.

More importantly, I recognize this woman. I don’t know how, but I know I know her. I don’t have any recollections of ever interacting with her. It must have been my first life. Or whatever came before that.

“Your face tells me enough,” says the Phoenix. “This is my mother, the Great Sage. Despite being her daughter, I never really understood her. I’m fairly certain she came from a place beyond the Tower. And sometime after I reached the top, she left again. Like me, she never used her wish. Not until the very end, right before she left. She never told me what it was… but seeing you here, I think I have a guess.”

“She did this to me?”

“I doubt she intended it as a curse.”

“That doesn’t make it not a curse.”

“True. But I doubt she intended it that way.”

“Why though?”

“Well…” The Phoenix glances at the the construct again. “I can’t say exactly why she did it, but I think we can both make a good guess as to why it was you.”

I look at the construct as well. The resemblance is uncanny. There’s no doubt that I’m related to her. Now the question is how I’m related. There are two real possibilities. I am the Great Sage’s daughter, and the Phoenix’s sister, or I am the Great Sage. I wish I could remember my first life.

Thinking back to my second life… I think the former option is more likely. I think I must have remembered my first life during my second life. Or at least more of it than I do now. But I was still too young then. I definitely didn’t have anywhere near the maturity or life experience of someone who had lived for thousands of years and reached the top of the Tower. 

In either case though, why would she do this? If I am her, why would I wipe my own memories and subject myself to this? An experiment? And if I’m her daughter, why would she do this to me? To make sure I’m alive for whenever she returns (if she returns)? A different kind of experiment?

“I guess that makes us sisters,” says the Phoenix.

“...Are you sure?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s the other option. She wouldn’t do that.”

“But she would curse me?”

“Again, I don’t think she meant it as a curse… And she was obsessed with knowledge. If you were her, you would know you were her. She would never erase her memories.”

“What if she was trying to learn what it felt like to live and die hundreds of times?”

“...I still don’t think she would. You being her daughter and my sister is much more likely.”

“Well, you know her better than me,” I grumble.

I didn’t know what I was going to feel when I learned the truth, but now I just feel angry. All those years—all that pain—and it wasn’t even my own fault? If it was punishment, that would have been much more palatable. Even if I didn’t remember what I had done, it would have at least given me some closure to know that whatever happened to me, someone thought I deserved it. Now all I have are more questions, and not only that, the only thing I know about those questions is that the one with the answers is well beyond my reach.

“Look on the bright side though!” says the Phoenix in a falsely cheery voice. “You’re here now. We’re here. I can only imagine what you’ve gone through, but you don’t have to go through it any more. Not alone, at least. No matter what, I’ll still be here.”

“Small comfort when I barely know you,” I want to say.

Despite that though, I find that it actually is a comfort, if only a small one. If I die on my Climb, I can just try again, and no matter how many times I fail, it’s not like she’ll die of old age. Even if I barely know her now, there’s plenty of time to get to know her. Even if we somehow become enemies, I’ll have another constant in my life that’s not myself. Unless she leaves.

“Are you not going to try to follow her?” I ask.

It’s a dumb question, since she’s clearly had a lot of time to do exactly that, and hasn’t, but I still feel like asking.

“I’m not,” she says. “She told me she’d be back, and that I should wait for her. Not that I wasn’t tempted to ignore that and follow her, but I decided not to. I have no idea how I’d get back, and while I could get a way, or at least get information on how from my wish if I wanted, I feel like that’s a waste. Mom also told me it was a waste too, and that she’d tell me when she got back…

“Hey, wait a second. I can just use my wish on you!”

“What?”

“I mean, it’s not like I’ve got any use for it. I don’t want you to die, but I bet that having that curse lifted would be a huge weight off your shoulders. Then you’d be free to wish for something else when you get to the top!”

“I- I don’t-”

“I can even do it right now, if you want,” she says. “Actually, I’ll just do that.”

“Wait!”

“Yeah?”

“I- I need time.”

Why did I stop her?

“Take all the time you need. Just let me know when.”

I should just say it now. Why wait? She’s right. It would be a huge weight off my shoulders. I could just die. End it all. I wouldn’t need to wait the hundreds or thousands of years until I reach the top of the Tower. I could die right now. So why can’t I give the word?

I find myself thinking back to the dream I had of myself at the top of the Tower. Wishing for the end of the curse, then immediately ending it all and watching as the world fades away. I can have that right now. 

But is that what I really want? That dream felt so… empty. Like my whole life meant nothing. If I die so easily, what was the point of it all? Thousands of years of suffering to end unceremoniously right here? That’s anticlimactic.

But since when have I cared about that? This is what I always wanted. An unceremonious, anonymous death where I close my eyes and never open them again. So why can’t I bring myself to say yes? 

Do I really want to die?

I glance down at Trinity, who is currently on the table munching on a small cake with an unusual level of dignity for her. She seems to sense my gaze, and turns to face me, crumbs hanging from her whiskers. It’s cute. If I die, I’ll never get to see it again.

I circulate a bit of oum in my body. Since I reached 2 star, it feels even better than before, and it already felt good. The power coursing through my body feels natural and right. If I die, I’ll never get to feel this again.

I think back to the Starter Quest. It wasn’t pleasant. It was hot, and annoying, and while the rewards were good, I can’t really say the process was fun. But I felt alive. Hunting, gathering, training the others, and the rush at the end when I had to fight my way through an army of ants and rush across the entire desert to make it back in time. It wasn’t fun… but it was thrilling. If I die, I’ll never get to experience anything like that again.

Again, do I really want to die?

Before anything else, I think the fact that I’m hesitating so much proves the answer. No, I don’t want to die. Why, though? Since when? 

And even that aside, even if I don’t want to die, why shouldn’t I accept this? If she wishes away my curse, I’ll be just like everyone else. One life. If I die, I die. That’s also what I always wanted. 

A thought crosses my mind about my curse. Part of the curse is that I remember everything almost perfectly. Will that go away too? What would happen if I lost those memories? I probably wouldn’t want to die at all anymore. But I could avoid that if I just asked her to wish away the rebirth and not the memories. So that’s not it.

“Do-” I start. “Wait!”

“Waiting,” she says.

A mental image flashes across my mind. I’m in a fight. There’s a spear flying toward my face. I have plenty of time to dodge, but something stops me. A little voice at the back of my mind that still wants to die. If I just don’t react, it all ends. Now that I’ve acknowledged that I want to live, that probably won’t happen… but thousands of years of mental conditioning doesn’t just go away in an instant.

Even after acknowledging my own recklessness when I entered the Tower, I went right back to it in the Starter Quest. Challenging the ant nest was foolish. Even with my backup plan of Trinity, it was foolish. What if something about her voidspace made the end of the Starter Quest teleportation fail? I would be stuck in the middle of the ant’s nest with limited rations and an army of angry, flaming insects around me. And even aside from that, if I was still only Middle 1 star instead of Peak at the time, I likely wouldn’t have made it out at all. Can I really guarantee that I won’t behave similarly in the near future and get myself killed permanently being an idiot?

I think for a few more seconds, then suddenly, start laughing. Look at me. A single conversation was all it took to make me do a mental 180. From wanting death more than anything to suddenly being afraid of it. 

“What is it?” asks the Phoenix.

That only makes me laugh more. I don’t even know how I’d explain my own thoughts. She looks concerned. I guess she’s worried that maybe I’m having a psychotic break. I suppose that’s not too far off. Having your whole life’s philosophy turned on its head isn’t exactly simple.

I calm down after a few seconds and start thinking more seriously again. I’m being a coward right now. Rejecting this because I’m afraid of death is hypocritical. But it’s also practical. I think my concerns are legitimate. And even if I am being a hypocritical coward… so what? Who cares?

“Not yet,” I say. “I don’t want it yet.”

“Want to earn it yourself?” she asks.

“No, it’s just… I’m not sure how to explain it. I’m not ready for it.”

“Fair enough,” she says with a shrug. “If you change your mind, just let me know.”

“OKay.”

There’s a moment of silence before she speaks again.

“So, now what? Anything you want to know? Questions about Mom? About me?”

“Lots,” I say.

“Well, I’ve got nothing but time.”